I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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