she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
