She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
