This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize