my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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