When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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