tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
