a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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