watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
