I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
