I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
