Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
