Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sext me about skeletons
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
