apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
