I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
