32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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