i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
