I can tuck mytits in my pants
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize