i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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