Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
