I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
