In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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