So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
