I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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