I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
