Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
