totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
