a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
