my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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