Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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