remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
