I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
