I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize