I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
