I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
