So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
