I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
