the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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