toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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