everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
