I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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