Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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