apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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