Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
