Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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