I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
