I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
