She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
