Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
