she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
