Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize