We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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