Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
