If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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