I wish I could teleport
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
