I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize