you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
