Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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