I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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