people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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